so i thought i was ready for a lasting relationship and i totally messed up. but it's ok, cause then i learned and now i'm ready to prepare myself again!

1. be still:
- i realize, i tend to get curious about things and then i put myself in places where i shouldn't be. it's ok not to know where he is. you don't have to go out of your way to check up on him. are you God where you have to know everything?


2. trust God:
- i think the state of worrying too much is the devil's tool. think of all the emotions and behaviors you put yourself through when you let yourself get carried away with worry. your mind play tricks on you - thinking about things that are not true. what if he's with another woman? what if he forgets to call me like he says he would? if you put your trust in God, God will take care of the situation. if God allow bad things to happen, then be sure He has a plan to bring you out of it. because you gave Him the authority to control the situation now. the responsibility is His. if your heart gets broken, God will be responsible for your heart. all you needed to do is lay back and trust. to worry will only make the situation worse. don't be a fool by allowing yourself to worry.


3. be patient:
i don't really know how to explain this.. but i'm 95% sure that patience can make me a "winner" everytime. we live in a fast-pace world where everything, all situations must be quick.. self-gratification must be instant, time is not to be wasted! just picture it.. woman A lives life graciously because she's patient, she looks as if she's at peace through all circumstances, she seems optimistic, refreshing, as if her head is full of wisdom and she will have wonderful/encouraging words to offer, it's like she knows the secret to happiness.. if i was down or if i needed a friend to talk to.. i would choose her. if i wanted a companion.. she would be refreshing to be with/to talk to everytime!
as oppose to woman B the one who rushes things and always take initiative.. i would never be given a chance to be at peace because it seems like she's always rushing me, competing with me to see who's first, i was taking my time with what i had to offer her, but she never allowed me time to finish it and now we're on to the next project. this makes me feel like a failure because i'm never given a chance to finish what i started. she should encourage me by giving me time. it's like she's never at peace.. if i needed a friend, i wouldn't choose her. i would choose the woman who patiently waits for me. if God is picking a woman for a Godly man on earth, would He be able to choose you?

4. be a woman:
when God defined the role of men and women, that was the key to a successful relationship. imagine a nurse trying to take over the role of a doctor/surgeon when she wasn't made/train to be one! imagine the queen trying to take over the role of a king if the king is just being lazy or if he's taking his time with a strategic plan. how disastrous that's going to be. God did not make you to be a pursuer or an initiator. it's important for us women to be patient because patience allows us to be submissive and to be of assistance to the one we're suppose to serve. that's who we are = assistant.

my dear anthony.. my love,

i know i'm not suppose to talk to you, but i've been thinking about you all day. i just can't help myself to tell you how much i still love you. you've asked me why.. why would i want to be with someone who steps on my heart? well, i've figured it out. i've never loved someone as much as i've loved you. i've never put as much effort into a relationship as ours. even though we fought a lot, we've had some really good times. i dont' want a peaceful relationship - that's boring. i love the way we often make up after a fight. most of the time, we come to some kind of conclusion to settle things. though i often screws it up, at least it was a good temporary fix. when we make up, it makes me learn about you about me about us.. it makes me hold on tight a little more and that makes me love you more.

you are 'you'. you're not the perfect guy i dream/hope for in my head. you're not the kind of guy that calls a lot or write letters or takes the girl out to a fancy dinner.. it took me a long while to learn that about you. i just thought, that's what boyfriends do right? if the guy loves the girl, that's what he does right? these expectations make you feel like a failure.. you've given up and you don't want to try anymore. especially after all the crazy things i did to you.. that's why you want to step on my heart. and i don't blame you.

when i decided i wanted to be your gf, you weren't the kind of guy i had in mind. but i gave it a try. you were the 1st who said you loved me. then i thought about my role as your gf if/when you do go back to iraq. i buckled my seatbeat and i was ready to ride this life with you. i was ready to be with you for a very long time. i loved you more than i've ever loved anyone. that's why it's so hard to let go. and this entire day all i thought about was should i let go, how do i let go.. and you know i don't want to because i'll miss you too much. then i thought.. you can make me stop seeing/stop talking to you but you can't make me stop loving you. i could live the rest of my life with you in my heart if i wanted to and nobody (except God) can take that away from me. as of right now, that sounds pretty good. as long as i have my memories, i'll always remember the good times we have with each other.

i'll remember how we stayed up til 6am in the morning laughing our heads off.. i'll definitely never forget that. all the good times being with you in Richmond apartment, living in NASA lodge, vacation in Reno with my family, our vacation to universal studios, going to the zoo, cal academy, our photo ops and bringing you snacks at school. oh my gosh, there's so many - so many memorable things i've created with you. i don't even remember doing this much stuff with my ex and we were together longer.

i love our deep talks. i LOVE how you care about me, sometimes you put me 1st and you try so hard to be considerate and thoughtful. oh, i remember you bought me a rose and chocolate when i wasn't feeling well. even when we deep talk about our relationship problems, i still love the fact that we're talking. i love how you don't mind getting
out of the car to pump gas for me even when i'm the driver, i love how you'll get out of bed to turn off the light even when you're tired. i love how you get up to fetch me water when i say i'm thirsty.

i think i'm addicted to you and that's why i can't let go. and if you want, i'll be happy to have sex with you because i'm in love with you. i didn't want sex before, but now - i'd totally do it for you if you want. i'll be happy to do anything you want. and i mean it. i really love you and i am willing.

i know you act tough because you have to. you have to do what's right for both our future. and it's just the pressure and mistrust from me you don't want. but you still love/care for me, i know. i believe even if i was a great gf who never picked fights with you, you still would have broken up with me because of other reasons. so i allowed myself to act crazy because you would have left me no matter what.

you broke up with me and hurt my feelings so i can grow and be a better person, a better gf/woman. i hated you for leaving me because i loved you too much. you are the best boyfriend a girl could ever have and i'm very lucky/blessed to have ever been your gf. i still love you and want you to be happy. i want you to have the life you want even if that means a life without me. sounds crazy and a lot of hard work, but i want to try praying harder for you, for us. i'll spend more time praying that God will work in our lives and hopefully we can be together again. but if not, if that's not what God wants.. i'll just silently keep on loving you wherever i am.

i'm so fucking selfish! all i care about is satisfying my feelings. i love him so he should love me and want to be with me too. has it ever occur to you that maybe he's growing up so that's why he has to let you go? has it ever occur to you that maybe it's healthier if 2 mature people fall in love with each other is BETTER than 2 immature people falling in love with each other? that maybe if you take this time of singleness to grow up/better yourself, then he'll be able to love you more in the future? no one can guarantee the future, so just the though of it as a possibility. but maybe by then, you'll be mature/positive enough to move on and find someone better. either possibility.. this is the better route! so stop being so freaking selfish and just leave him alone!! if you dont' want to grow up that' fine. but let him grow up. give him the path he wants to choose. just like you need the path that you want to choose! he doesn't want you! stop forcing him to want you!